CALL WHEN YOU GET HOME
by Tom Guyette

Friend [FRIEND] - A normal person
Phone Friend [PHONE] - Also a normal person
MCI Voice [MCI] - An operator-sounding, wordless phone
                         voice

[Note that >PHONE< denotes a place where the name of the
person playing PHONE should be said.]

[FRIEND and PHONE FRIEND are saying good bye as PHONE FRIEND
leaves Friend's home]

FRIEND: OK, I'll see you later, >PHONE<.  Oh, wait.  Tell you
what.  There've been a lot of muggings and stuff in this
neighborhood lately, why don't you give me a call when you
get home, that way I know you made it home safely.

PHONE: OK.  And if I don't call, send out the cavalry.

FRIEND: [laughs] Will do.  Bye!

[PHONE leaves, FRIEND turns on the TV and sits down next to
the telephone.  Fade out, time passes--maybe another skit]

[After a period of time, the phone rings.  FRIEND picks up]

FRIEND: Hello?  Oh, hi >PHONE<.  What?  [panicked sounds come
from PHONE on the phone] Slow down, I can hardly understand
what you're saying.  What?  You were mugged?  Shot six times?
You're bleeding badly?  You managed to crawl to an emergency
phone?  Oh, wait a minute, there's a call on the other line.
[He clicks over] Hello?  [MCI voice is heard wah-wah-wahing a
sales pitch, plugging in 'Mr.  >FRIEND<' every other
sentence.  FRIEND tries to interrupt, tries to muster up the
willpower to click over to PHONE, but can't.] But I--But--I
have a--No, I--You--My friend--no, not family,
friend--no--I--but--I--

[Fade out, time passes--maybe another skit]

FRIEND [still on the phone with MCI in his ear]: But--I--
But--No--but--but--Oh, all RIGHT, I'll switch for a month!
[he hangs up, the phone rings] Hello? [there is a grunt and a
THUNK of a dead person on the other end] Hello?