Foul Play a play in two acts Foul Play Characters: TERRENCE - In his mid twenties, Stage Manager of Conversations With Myself JUNE - Terrence's age, Assistant Stage Manager of Conversations AIKEN - Director of Conversations in his mid-thirties TIM - Writer of Conversations MARCUS - A "too slick" businessman, Producer of Conversations GEORGE Marsby - An older gentleman, freelance writer and head Critic for the local newspaper WALTER - Lead actor in Conversations EDNA - Actress playing opposite Walter in Conversations CHRIS - Lighting designer for Conversations Police OFFICER - A character in Conversations BILL - An extra who has a knack for constantly "popping up" POLICE - a policeman dispatched to keep the peace at the theater EXTRAS - five to ten background cast people ACT 1 Scene 1. A theater in Manchester, NH, in which Conversations With Myself, a new play, will open in half an hour. The stage is dressed to look like a reversed stage--lighting is more pronounced, a pair of mid-stage curtains divide the REAL stage in half lengthwise, such that the upstage wall looks like a proscenium, looking out onto an audience [a semi- reflective surface or scrim would be appropriate if the stage is not deep enough]. A props table is placed stage right. [Right and left are "real" stage right and left.] The Conversations set consists of a large rectangular box dead center, which will transform into a wardrobe, a washing machine, and the walls of a prison cell. In front of the box, right, is a bed, on which lies a telephone. TERRENCE is transforming the box from 'cell' to 'wardrobe,' and being approached by WALTER and EDNA. JUNE is strewing magazines, newspapers, and dirty-looking laundry on the bed and ground. CHRIS is examining pools of light on the stage, and the EXTRAS are socializing and carrying on. [Scene opens in dim light, everyone frozen.] VOICE. Hi, you've reached 555-5695. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief message I'll get back to you as soon as I can. [beep] VOICE 2. [distorted] I can't live with myself! I have to tell you this, so you can prepare. Someone is going to die in the theater tonight--they'll kill the show if I don't stop them! Terrence, please forgive me. Be careful. [click, dialtone] [lights up, unfreeze] WALTER. Terrence, where's my gun? TERRENCE. Which one? Shotgun... revolver... pistol? WALTER. I can never tell the difference. Pistol. TERRENCE. It's in the prop closet. WALTER. It's supposed to be a personal prop. TERRENCE. But you don't use it til act 2. EDNA. Terrence, I can't find my purse. WALTER. Oh. Well, could I have it anyway? I need it. TERRENCE. But--June, can you get Walter his gun, please? He wants to bond with it before the show. [WALTER and JUNE exit right] EDNA. I can't find my purse. CHRIS. Terrence, I'm sorry to bother you, but I need that extra list of cues you were going to make for me. TERRENCE. [to EDNA] It's set offstage left. CHRIS. Oh, thanks. EDNA. But it's supposed-- TERRENCE. No. Chris... EDNA. Oh. Then where is my purse? TERRENCE. No. Chris, I wasn't talking to you. Edna, your purse is stage left. EDNA. It's supposed to be stage right. [she points stage left] TERRENCE. But that's -- [humoring her] Oh, I forgot, of course, it is stage right [he points left, too, she exits, JUNE enters]. Jesus. [to CHRIS] The list of cues is on your table. Green folder. [he closes the 'wardrobe' and sits on the bed] CHRIS. Thanks. [he walks out into the house to the lighting board] BILL. Are we having fun yet? TERRENCE. [to CHRIS, in house] Oh, Chris, could you run a final lights test? CHRIS. Sure. JUNE. Terrence, we have to test the wireless system. TERRENCE. Oh, that's right. Thanks for reminding me. Chris, turn on the clearcom transceiver, too, we're going to be testing it. CHRIS. [in house] OK. [TERRENCE and JUNE cross left and right, respectively, and put on Clearcom (CC) headsets. We hear a 'click' over the PA] TERRENCE. [over clearcom (CC)] Check, 1, 2, 3... JUNE. [CC] Clear as a bell. TERRENCE. [CC] Of course. [into house] Chris, turn my end down just a little bit, my ears are getting sore alredy. JUNE. [CC] So can we pick up any good stations on this thing? TERRENCE. [CC] Yeah. Lights 98 point five. We tried to get rid of that buzz, but the light dimmers put out too much interference. You should've heard when we brought the timebomb prop near a headset. JUNE. [CC] What do you mean? TERRENCE. [CC] Well, our voices go out on radio to a box at the lighting board, then come back to us with everyone else's added in. AIKEN [entering right]. Terrence. TERRENCE. If our headsets get too close to certain kinds of electronics, we get extra noise with our voices. JUNE. [CC] Sounds complicated. TERRENCE. [CC] It is. That's why we couldn't fix it. AIKEN. [to TERRENCE] Hi. TERRENCE. [CC] Aiken's here, gotta go. JUNE. [CC] Bye. I'll finish setting the mess. [she takes off her CC and begins laying junk around the bed] TERRENCE. [taking off his CC] Hi. AIKEN. [to TERRENCE] Could you get the cast together? TERRENCE. Sure. [he exits left] [offstage] All cast onstage! [EDNA wanders back in, various EXTRAS filter in.] JUNE. [to AIKEN] How are you, Aiken? AIKEN. Oh, nervous. JUNE. Why are you nervous? You're not the one onstage. AIKEN. Oh, but I am. Probably more than anyone else. Besides, tonight, I wish I were on stage. JUNE. Why? Go out into the audience and enjoy the show. AIKEN. We have a freelance writer coming in to do a feature story on us, the head critic for the Gazette. I'm just glad I don't have to sit with him. We gave him a front row seat. JUNE. You don't like him? AIKEN. I hate the man. It's George Marsby. JUNE. Never heard of him. AIKEN. We ran into each other several times in New York City. He was a critic there, I was a playwright. Needless to say, it wasn't a friendly relationship. He had a way of tearing apart everything I did. It finally got to the point where I went to his office and--I don't know, maybe we can patch things up. Still, I foam at the mouth every time I hear his name. [MARCUS enters left with GEORGE. AIKEN sees them, wipes his mouth] Did I get it all? [MARCUS crosses to AIKEN] MARCUS. [feigning friendliness] Aiken, it's good to see you. Shouldn't you be out in the house developing an ulcer? AIKEN. No, that's the producer's job. I know what a good show I have. MARCUS. [beckoning to GEORGE] Aiken, I would like to introduce Mister George Marsby, author and critic. AIKEN. We've met. MARCUS. Of course. Mister Marsby, you've seen some of Aiken's plays? GEORGE. Yes. AIKEN. Seen and--rip--ri--reviewed. MARCUS. [trying to hold things together] Well, that is his job. [to GEORGE] What did you think? GEORGE. They lacked depth, had little semblance of a plot, and overall were not an enjoyable night out. I'm surprised Aiken invited me to do this story. AIKEN. But-- [JUNE enters left and crosses to AIKEN] MARCUS. Well, Mister Marsby, we had better get you to your seat, we don't have much time. GEORGE. Oh, but I thought I was going to be staying backstage. MARCUS. [surprised--knowing AIKEN will refuse] Well, I don't know, I'm sure they have a lot of work to do back here... JUNE. Aiken... AIKEN. [with obvious malicious intent] Yes, George, of course! You may stay back here as long as you'd like. MARCUS. [thinking fast] and of course, Aiken will stay here to guide you around. Right? AIKEN. Of course. [GEORGE begins to wander around the stage] Where is Terrence? I need a gun. JUNE. [amused] He's checking in with his answering machine. AIKEN. Checking his answering machine? Now? JUNE. You know how he likes his appliances. He calls every two hours or so. It's just his thing. AIKEN. I'll bet. JUNE. Are you all right? AIKEN. No. [AIKEN stands up on the 'bed' and addresses the assembled actors] AIKEN. Well friends, it looks like this is it. You know, this will be the twenty-fifth summer season the Rep has done, our twenty-third in this theater, and they just keep getting better and better. We've all worked very hard on this show, and I can say in all honesty it's one of the best shows I've ever worked on. Of course, every show is the best show you've ever worked on, but this is really ... you know. It's just nice to consider ourselves as a spot of light in an otherwise artistically dark city. [TERRENCE enters, crosses to JUNE] Try to use the next few minutes to relax, clear your heads, get into character, do whatever makes you comfortable. We've got a great show, we know the audience is going to love it, so we can just concentrate on doing our best. I'll be watching the show from onstage tonight, keeping an eye on George [he indicates GEORGE] our guest critic. TERRENCE. [over AIKEN, sotto voce] June, I need to talk to you. [they cross right] AIKEN. But if you have any problems, don't talk to me, talk to Terrence. Do well, [singling GEORGE out] break lots of legs! [the cast filters offstage] TERRENCE. I just got a message on my answering machine. JUNE. Exciting. TERRENCE. It said someone is going to be killed tonight. Here. GEORGE. [to AIKEN, crossing left] Is the rest room this way? JUNE. What? What exactly did it say? AIKEN. No, no doors on that side. [indicates right] This way. [they exit right] TERRENCE. I think it was a man's voice. He said someone is trying to ruin the show, and that he'll kill that person before that happens. JUNE. Are you sure it's not a joke? TERRENCE. I listened to it five times. It's not a joke, and it's definitely someone involved with the show. JUNE. How do you know that for sure? TERRENCE. I have caller ID on my answering machine. It tells me where calls come from. This one came from the theater. JUNE. Did you call the police? TERRENCE. I did. They said they'd send an officer out. But until he gets here... even when he does get here... we don't know when it's going to happen, or to whom. JUNE. We have to stop the show! TERRENCE. I thought of that. Thing is, if this person wants someone dead, he'll kill no matter what. We can stop him if we can figure out who he is. JUNE. We should at least tell Aiken! TERRENCE. I thought of that, too. The call was made from the business office. Aiken is the only person here tonight who has a key. Granted, someone could have sneaked in when he wasn't looking, but what if he was the one who left the message? Either way, everyone is a suspect. JUNE. Oh, my. TERRENCE. What? JUNE. Aiken just arranged to have George Marsby backstage during the performance. TERRENCE. And...? JUNE. Aiken hates Marsby. Marsby could ruin the show with a bad review. Aiken volunteered to have him back here. With all the shotguns, bombs, grenades... TERRENCE. One misplaced shell... it's impossible to tell a blank from a live one if you're not on top of it. Let alone picking a real grenade out from the fake ones. JUNE. We've got to talk to Aiken. TERRENCE. [glancing at his watch] We have two minutes to curtain. JUNE. Can't we delay it? [AIKEN enters right] TERRENCE. And broadcast that we're onto him? I'll talk to Aiken. You check all the weapons in the closet and make sure they're not loaded. We'd better be at ... PLACES! Jesus. YOU talk to Aiken, I have to call places! [he runs off right] Places for the top of act one...! [JUNE crosses to AIKEN] JUNE. Aiken, can I talk to you for a moment? AIKEN. Sure. JUNE. We... um... Terrence... got a message on his answering machine. AIKEN. Uh-huh... JUNE. Um... AIKEN. What's wrong? JUNE. Nothing. [WALTER enters, takes place sitting on bed, EXTRAS wait in right wing] I... are you all right? AIKEN. Yeah, I guess. June, what's wrong? JUNE. We're at places. I'm just nervous. That's all. [TERRENCE enters] TERRENCE. Ready on curtain, June? [GEORGE enters] JUNE. [crossing left, pausing, very awkwardly] Mister Marsby, would you like to watch the show from stage left? The curtains are over there. GEORGE. [confused] No, that's all right, I'll stay with Aiken. TERRENCE. [catching on] I really would like to speak with Aiken privately for a moment. JUNE. And you're welcome to wait on the other side, with me. [she grabs GEORGE's hand and drags him over to the other side] GEORGE. Well, I don't know. AIKEN. [to TERRENCE] Is she all right? TERRENCE. [putting on his CC, nervously] She's ... we [beat] It's PMS. She gets like that before openings. You just miss it because you're always in the house, that's all. [whispering into CC and making as much noise as he can externally] Start at 8 sharp, no matter what. [he looks at his watch] One mi--[pause] five minutes. JUNE. [CC] If you can keep Aiken there we're all set. TERRENCE. So. AIKEN. So, you wanted to talk to me? TERRENCE. [stalling] Oh. Yeah. Talk to you. Um. The wireless clearcom is working great. AIKEN. Mhm. TERRENCE. Mhm. Yup. Working great. And the show is magnificent. [he looks at his watch] It really makes a statement. AIKEN. Terrence, what's going on? TERRENCE. Going on? Nothing's going on. Nothing. Why do you ask? AIKEN. Because you and June are behaving strangely. TERRENCE. Strangely? [looks at watch] Nah. You're just nervous. All those little nerves firing. Uhhh--not firing. Nerves are murder. Uhhhh... JUNE. [over CC, over TERRENCE's babbling] Ready lights 1. Ready sound 1. Curtain up. Pull Aiken back a step, Terrence. [WALTER turns around and faces upstage, toward the backstage curtain, which opens. All 'offstage' action takes place downstage of these curtains, as though hidden from the fake 'audience.'] TERRENCE. Not murder. Ummmm.. how's your knife? Er--life? AIKEN. [patiently] Fine. Terrence--[notices the curtain opening] [In the next few pages, we see action "on stage" between the open midstage curtains, and we hear ClearCom more loudly than the onstage dialogue, which is delivered to the fake audience upstage. Bold print is Conversations dialogue, which happens concurrently with normal print. Synchronicity at some points [sound & lighting cues] is critical. All other timing is ad lib. Conversations is about a man, named Duke, who was driven to psychosis by the death of his wife. He believes that every woman he meets is Iselde, his dead wife. Any 'proof' to the contrary throws him into fits of rage as he tries to re-enter his delusion. He has taken up collecting weapons, and treats them like his own children. All women in the show [except EXTRAS] are played by EDNA. Duke is played by WALTER.] TERRENCE. [relieved, CC] And go sound 1, [off CC] Scuse me, gotta call the show. [we hear traffic in the background] And go lights 1. [the lights come up] AIKEN. Well. I'll be back in a minute. DUKE. [holding a shotgun] That's right, baby, everything is gonna be all right. Nobody's gonna take you away from me. You and the rest of my babies, you just sleep tight. [he goes to the 'wardrobe,' puts the shotgun away, takes out a pistol and a box of bullets] There you go, my sweetie, all tucked away. Are you boys going to be all set tonight? TERRENCE. [CC] Ready lights 2, ready sound 2. DUKE. I know you're small, and can't defend yourselves-- TERRENCE. [CC] Go lights 2, go sound 2. DUKE. --but... [phone rings, lights brighten, DUKE picks up the phone] hello? EDNA'S VOICE. [as ISELDE's voice] Hello, Mr. Brown, this is Marie Black from the department of Human Services. How are you this evening? TERRENCE. [CC] Ready lights 3. DUKE. Oh. How are you, Iselde? [EXTRAS make the sound of conversation passing by his window] TERRENCE. [CC] Go lights 3. EDNA'S VOICE. [lights dim] My name is Marie, Mr. Brown, and I am-- DUKE. Oh, well, gotta go, got visitors. Thank you for calling. Goodbye. EDNA'S VOICE. Mr. Brown, I'm calling because we've received reports that you are no longer able to take care--[DUKE hangs up] DUKE. [takes out a grenade, mimes opening the window, shouting to people 'below'] Hi! Nice of you to drop by! I'm sorry, I can't come to the door right now-- TERRENCE. [CC] Ready sound 3. DUKE. --but if you leave your name and number at the tone, I'll be glad to get back to you as soon as I can! [DUKE pulls the pin and drops the grenade out the 'window.'] TERRENCE. Go sound 3. [WALTER's phone rings. He lets it ring seven times, then picks up] DUKE. Most average people hang up on 5 after 6. EDNA'S VOICE. Mr. Brown, this is Ms. Black from the Department of Human Services again. DUKE. Oh, hi. [he hangs up, then picks it back up] You know, when you call me, I can hang up and it doesn't disconnect. Hello? Hello? [as JUNE and TERRENCE talk, he straps on his pistol, picks up two bags of groceries] C'mon Harry, time to go do laundry. [he exits left] TERRENCE. Go lights 4, ready lights 5, ready sound 4. [lights go out] DUKE. [re-enters, turns the 'wardrobe' around to be a 'washing machine'. EXTRAS enter with laundry and roll-on cubes to give the impression of a laundromat] TERRENCE. Go lights 5. [lights come back harsh and fluorescent-looking] JUNE. [CC] Terrence, where is Aiken? TERRENCE. [CC] He's right here. [notices that's not true] Jesus. [late] Go sound 4! [traffic noises stop and are replaced with laundromat noises] I can't go look for him. [to BILL onstage] Psst. Psst. [he beckons, BILL comes offstage, behind open curtain] DUKE. [continuing, pulling a jar of peanut butter out of one of his bags] You know, they say peanut butter can have a whole bunch of garbage in it before it's no good. Like rat hair, and stuff. I bet I'm the only person who thinks to clean it first. [he puts the jar in the washing machine] And Cheerios really do stay crunchy. They hold up well in the drier, too, but don't turn the heat up too high, it cooks them. [WOMAN enters with her laundry, and nods to DUKE] Iselde? BILL. What? TERRENCE. I need you to find Aiken. It's an emergency. Find him and bring him here. Check the green room, check all the dressing rooms, check everywhere. BILL. OK. [exits] WOMAN. Excuse me? DUKE. Iselde! [he hugs her] WOMAN. I'm sorry, do I know you? DUKE. Iselde! WOMAN. That's not my name, if that's what you mean. CHRIS. [CC] I don't mean to interrupt, but we just missed a lighting cue, and our sound cues are late. TERRENCE. [CC] Go sound 5. CHRIS. [CC] No, sound 5 is the siren. TERRENCE. [CC] Gaugh. Go--[pauses]--go something. CHRIS. [CC] You got it. [the lights dim] Lights 5 go. Sound 5 ready. Calm down, Terrence. TERRENCE. [CC] Yeah, right. BILL. [entering backstage area, right] I couldn't find him anywhere. TERRENCE. Did you check all the dressing rooms? [BILL keeps nodding] The bathroom? Green room? Storage room? Props? Costuming? Damn! DUKE. No. Yes. Don't say that. I love you! [he pulls out his pistol. Everyone freezes.] BILL. Shit! My cue! [he runs onstage, then pretends to be sneaking back out, right] DUKE. [indicating gun] Oh, him. He's my son. [to WOMAN] I adopted him after you left, to keep me company. I adopted a lot of his friends, too. But you love me. You love me, right? WOMAN. [afraid] I love you? DUKE. [laughing] I knew it! [to gun] See, Harry, I told you! [he fires the gun, then listens to it as though it said something] Yeah, me, too. C'mon, Iselde, let's go for a walk, we'll catch up on old times and stuff. WOMAN. [very distraught] Why? [AIKEN walks on right into backstage area, distraught] AIKEN. Terrence. [TERRENCE jumps] TERRENCE. What? AIKEN. I just talked to the police officer in the lobby. TERRENCE. Police officer... What police officer? AIKEN. The one you called. At least that's what he says. TERRENCE. [CC] June, Chris, please keep things running. CHRIS. [CC] What's going on? TERRENCE. [CC] I can't talk about it. I'm going off headset. [he takes his headset off. Lighting and sound can be as messed up as is appropriate from here on] DUKE. What, you don't want to go? Why, Iselde? WOMAN. [desperate] I'm tired. I have to do my laundry. DUKE. Oh. Well, put it in and we can walk while it washes. Heh. Walk while it washes. Wuh wuh wuh. [WOMAN begins to verrrry slowly put her laundry into a washing machine] I'm so happy I ran into you here, Iselde. You know, I thought you were gone for good, you had me scared there, for a while. But I figured, since my life is a movie, and since I'm the star, it had to have a happy ending, and so you came back. Isn't that cool? Cool cycle. Make sure you put your colors on cool cycle, or they run. My Lucky Charms marshmallows ran the last time I put them on hot cycle. [he gets tired of waiting and mechanically stuffs her clothes into the washing machine] There. Let's go for a walk. Boy, I'm glad I have Harry. There are a lot of crazy people around. WOMAN. Yes. AIKEN. So what is going on? TERRENCE. I don't know how to say this. I got a call on my answering machine. AIKEN. June said. TERRENCE. The person who called said that someone in the theater tonight, who could ruin the show, is going to be killed-- AIKEN. What? DUKE. Come on. WOMAN. My legs are tired. I really don't want to go for a walk. [Police OFFICER enters, and speaks to a customer, who points to DUKE] OFFICER. Good evening. DUKE. [joking] Honest, drink, I only had one officer. WOMAN. [trying to communicate with the OFFICER over DUKE's head] Officer, you know, this man has--a friend--with him. [OFFICER looks around] His friend. [she makes the shape of a gun with her hand, the officer understands, moves for his gun] DUKE. Iselde, get back! I'll protect you! [he raises his gun] OFFICER. Sir, put the gun down. Everything will be fine if you put the gun down. [TERRENCE's CC light begins flashing] DUKE. No! You can't take my son! OFFICER. [wanting to draw his gun] Put the gun down, sir. DUKE. You... have friends outside! [he runs right and waves the gun outside] Go away! Go away! Hah. Showed them! [he advances on the OFFICER, who backs offstage left] TERRENCE. --and we thought that, maybe, since George Marsby was here, and you kept him backstage, and--Aiken, I'm so sorry. AIKEN. You thought I was going to kill Marsby. TERRENCE. We weren't sure. AIKEN. Let's not worry about that. Right now we have to stop the show. [TERRENCE's CC light begins flashing more insistently] TERRENCE. But if we stop the show, we lose our chance to catch the killer. AIKEN. And if we don't stop the show, someone will end up dead in this theater. That would ruin us for sure. JUNE. [whispering across stage loudly] TERRENCE!! TERRENCE. [to AIKEN] Hang on. [putting on his CC] Yeah? JUNE. [CC] Walter has the wrong gun. TERRENCE. [CC] What do you mean? JUNE. [CC] I mean I don't think I've seen that gun before. It's shiny. All the guns we have are antiques--rusty! TERRENCE. Jesus. [begins taking off CC, puts it back on] [CC] June, get Marsby off the stage. Now. [taking off CC] Aiken, hold this. [WALTER takes aim offstage directly toward GEORGE, GEORGE flinches.] JUNE. [CC] I can't get Marsby off, we don't have an exit! DUKE. And as for you.. you.. you killed Iselde! TERRENCE. [running across the stage] Walter, no!! [he tackles WALTER, who falls to the ground, the gun goes off, JUNE pulls GEORGE to the ground, both yell as though hit. TERRENCE and WALTER stand and look at each other, then at audience. Lights out, both curtains close] ACT 2 Scene 1. The same as Act 1. The upstage curtain is closed, indicating the audience is in some sort of intermission. The cast is on stage. TERRENCE, JUNE, AIKEN, and MARCUS are talking to POLICE on stage. Everyone is in motion and lights are already up as the ds curtain opens. TERRENCE. [to POLICE] ...so we thought that maybe Walter was the one who had called me... JUNE. [to POLICE] but it turned out it wasn't him, we stopped the show ten minutes in for nothing, the audience is getting restless, and we still don't know who it is. MARCUS. [to AIKEN] I don't know why you didn't tell me about this before. AIKEN. I didn't know before. MARCUS. [surprised] Terrence didn't tell you? AIKEN. No. POLICE. There is still the possibility that it was just a prank call. However, since it was a death threat, it might be in your best interest to close the theater for the night. MARCUS. I agree. [to AIKEN] close it. TERRENCE. Wait a minute. It's still likely that whoever the killer is, they're going after George. He is the most likely person to go after. [to officer] If he would stay with you through the rest of the show, he'd be safe, and we could continue the show. We'll keep our eyes open for anything suspicious. MARCUS. No, wait a minute. AIKEN. I like the idea. Marcus, you had better take your seat, we have only a few minutes to curtain. [MARCUS pauses, then walks offstage, looking smug] AIKEN. I'm going to stick around here and talk to the cast. Maybe I can find the person doing all this. June, would you mind helping me? JUNE. I guess I could help. Not that I'm a great detective or anything. [to TERRENCE] I'll be back in time for curtain. TERRENCE. OK. [generally] Five minutes! [he crosses right to exit] AIKEN. [to JUNE] tell you what. I'll talk to all the men in the cast if you talk to all the women. JUNE. OK. [she heads right, AIKEN heads left] BILL. Hey, Terrence, what're the police doing here? What's going on? Has someone been murdered or something? TERRENCE. Sh! I can't talk about it, Bill, I'm sorry. BILL. Oh. Is something dangerous going on? TERRENCE. Bill... [he lowers his voice] just be careful. BILL. [nervously] ok. [TERRENCE walks offstage] JUNE. [to EXTRA 1] Hi. [conversationally] Hey, do you have relatives in the theater tonight? EXTRA 1. Yeah, my brother's girlfriend. JUNE. [trying to lead the conversation] Ah. Do you like your brother's girlfriend? EXTRA 1. No. JUNE. Oh. Do you hate her? EXTRA 1. A little. JUNE. Hm. Not enough to kill her, though... right? [EXTRA 1 reacts strangely, lights subdue and come up on AIKEN and EXTRA 2] EXTRA 2. [to AIKEN] no, of course I wouldn't. AIKEN. You wouldn't sleep with a critic to get a good review? EXTRA 2. Well, if she were cute. AIKEN. I've heard some actors say they'd kill for one. EXTRA 2. A cute woman? [AIKEN looks frustrated. Lights subdue and come up on JUNE and EXTRA 3] EXTRA 3. Yeah, she's cute enough, but I wouldn't shoot her over it. JUNE. Are you sure? EXTRA 4. [coming in on JUNE and EXTRA 3] What are you two talking about? Someone said they saw a policeman in here earlier. JUNE. Well...[lights cut to AIKEN, EXTRA 2, EXTRA 5] AIKEN. ...policeman is investigating some suspicious activity around here. Have you guys seen anything weird? JUNE. [with AIKEN]...seen anything weird? [EXTRAS all shake their heads, 'no' 'not that I can think of,' etc., JUNE and AIKEN cross center and meet] TERRENCE. [entering right] Places for the top of--...--part 2, places for the top of part 2. [he transforms the 'washing machine' into a 'prison cell.'] JUNE. This is hopeless. [MARCUS enters right] AIKEN. Speaking of hopeless... MARCUS. I just talked to George. He really doesn't want to sit in his seat. AIKEN. Why would he? I'd feel safer out back with the policeman, too. MARCUS. Well, I thought maybe the policeman could sit next to him. But anyway, he thought of something. He said we should talk to Tim. TERRENCE. Tim--the playwright Tim? [MARCUS nods] About the answering message? [nods again] Why would he want to kill George? MARCUS. Oh, I guess they've had go-arounds in the past over Tim's shows. AIKEN. That's true. Tim and I worked together a couple times in New York. Tim was even more upset about George's reviews than I was. He visited George's apartment and made threats, several times. TERRENCE. [to June] We should tell the policeman about this. We can talk to Tim after the show. JUNE. Do you know where he's sitting? I could go now. TERRENCE. House right, somewhere. [looks at his watch] Gaugh. I need you here on curtain, though. Aiken, could you go talk to him? AIKEN. Of course. [he exits, MARCUS stays awkwardly, then exits] [TERRENCE and JUNE cross right and left, put on their CC headsets] TERRENCE. Thirty seconds. [CC] Check, check. Chris, did you bump the clearcom transciever? CHRIS. [CC] Why? TERRENCE. [CC] I'm getting a really weak signal. CHRIS. [CC] Hang on. Yeah, it was turned way down. TERRENCE. [CC] turn it back up. [over CC, we hear a very loud 'beep, beep, bee--'] TERRENCE. [CC, echoing even louder than the beep] Too loud! CHRIS. [CC, regular volume] Sorry about that. TERRENCE. [CC] And ready music 13. Ready lights 15. Ready curtain. Cue curtain. Cue music 13. And cue lights 15. [music begins, lights come up. Note that, for this act, downstage is REALLY downstage, off-stage is visible on the sides] DUKE. [to audience] You know, I've been thinking of remodeling. The windows are so drafty. JUNE. [CC] Terrence.. TERRENCE. [CC] Yeah? JUNE. [CC] Call me paranoid, but I heard something, when Chris turned up the clearcom. TERRENCE. [CC] Something like what? JUNE. [CC] Like ... beeping. TERRENCE. [CC] Well, we'll check on it later. Ready lights 16. DUKE. Course, I don't know why I bother. Iselde will take care of things when she comes back. TERRENCE. Go lights 16. [lights change, EDNA enters as MARIE Black] MARIE. Mr. Brown, I'm Marie Black from the Department of Human services. I called you a few days ago. DUKE. Hello again, Iselde. MARIE. Mr. Brown, I need you to tell me what happened at the laundromat. DUKE. We were mugged. MARIE. According to eyewitnesses, you attacked the police officer without provocation. DUKE. He was a mugger. He was going to kill you! JUNE. [CC] Terrence... TERRENCE. [CC] Mhm? JUNE. [CC] Was that what the time bomb sounded like when you put it near the headsets? [AIKEN and MARCUS enter right, quietly, AIKEN moves to TERRENCE] TERRENCE. [CC, worried, fishing through the props] Chris, turn up the gain again. Quiet on clearcom everyone. AIKEN. [to TERRENCE] I talked to Tim... he was behaving strangely. We told the officer to keep an eye on him. TERRENCE. OK. Now shhh. [we hear a fade in of 'beep, beep, beep' about once a second.] TERRENCE. [CC, whispering] turn it back down. [finding the bomb, examining it] not on. [to AIKEN] We have a problem. MARIE. Mister Brown, do you remember your wife, Iselde? DUKE. Iselde. MARIE. Yes. Your wife. She was killed in a car accident. DUKE. No. She came back. You're here now, Iselde, you came back. MARIE. She did not come back, Mister Brown, she was buried, along with your son. DUKE. No. [he walks to the rear of the cage, trying to get away] AIKEN. What kind of problem? TERRENCE. [covering CC] A bomb. We just heard a noise on the wireless clearcom. There are two things in this theater that can make that noise. [he shows AIKEN the bundle of TNT and wire/timer] This is one of them. It's turned off. The other one isn't fake, and it's not turned off. AIKEN. Oh, God. Maybe it is Tim. TERRENCE. [CC] June, find Tim NOW. Just jump right off the stage. I'm going out into the house, too. [takes his headphones off, then decides to put them back on] JUNE. [CC] Terrence, if that bomb goes off... TERRENCE. [CC] I'll find it before it goes off. I can use my headset. Chris, turn up my volume all the way. CHRIS. [CC] Is there anything I can do? TERRENCE. Pray to the Muse. [JUNE takes off her CC and drops off the front of the stage, which now is 'REALLY' downstage. TERRENCE exits right and enters the house from the door in front of the stage] TERRENCE. [CC] And ready lights 17. DUKE. No, no, it's not true! MARIE. Yes, Mister Brown. I'm sorry, it is true. And you've got to get on with your life. TERRENCE. [CC] Go lights 17. [he wanders around the house, listening intently to his CC headset, through which we hear a 'beep' that gets louder as he meanders toward the front row, audience right.] MARIE. You can't live in the world of shadows and dreams that you're living in. It's tearing you apart. DUKE. Tear me apart! I don't want to live anymore! MARIE. You must let yourself grieve, and move on. DUKE. [now lucid] I can't grieve. She was everything to me. If I grieve, it will mean and end to it all--to everything. MARIE. That's the way grief is supposed to work, Duke. It lets you end things, for yourself, that have already ended. Then you can go on to new things. MARCUS. Aiken, what's going on? I heard something about a bomb? Close the show down! AIKEN. Closing down now would cause a panic. We can't. [beep, beep] TERRENCE. [CC] come on, baby, where are you? [he wanders up house right aisle, the beep fades] MARCUS. I'm going to cross right in front of Walter and close the curtain myself! AIKEN. Marcus, you're being unreasonable. MARCUS. Unreasonable? There's a bomb about to go off in my theater, and I'm getting upset! Tell me I'm being unreasonable! BILL. You're being unreasonable. MARCUS. Of course I'm unreasonable! DUKE. I can't do that. I killed a man, I can't just.. oh, my God, I killed a man. Killed a man! MARIE. You were certifiably insane, Mister Brown. DUKE. Maybe it's safer that way. MARIE. Being insane? You know that's not true. JUNE. [finding TIM] Tim, we know about you and Marsby. TIM. What do you mean? JUNE. We know you're trying to save the show by killing Marsby, but it won't work. We need you to disable the bomb. TIM. What are you talking about? JUNE. Setting off a bomb in the theater would kill us. Who wants to go to a show where the audience and the cast end up dead? TIM. What bomb are you talking about? TERRENCE. [has gotten to the center aisle; the beeping is getting louder] Closer... closer... [CC] ready lights 18. DUKE. I don't know anything anymore. Please go away, I need time alone. MARIE. Are you sure that's what you want? [DUKE nods] Very well. [she exits] TERRENCE. [CC] Go lights 18. AIKEN. It's not your theater, Marcus. Right now, it's the Rep's theater. Yes, you may be the chairman of the board, but the board ultimately decides what goes on here, not you. I'm tired of you acting as though you own the place. Like it or not, we're here, in this theater, and we have control over what happens. [calming] If we shut down now, not only will the reviews be terrible, and the show be killed, but there may very well be an audience panic. So basically, closing down tonight would mean [realization] closing down for good. MARCUS. What? AIKEN. That's what you want. MARCUS. I don't have to take this kind of abuse. [He tries to storm off, AIKEN grabs his shoulder. MARCUS pulls away and exits, re-emerging in front of the stage and running to the back of the house.] DUKE. This is the point in my life where some sort of dramatic soliloquy is supposed to happen. I'm supposed to think things through for myself, and things are magically supposed to be all right. It's not going to happen. I killed a man, just like a man killed my wife. The quality of mercy is not strained. Maybe I should just get on with things. On the other hand, when an experiment is falling apart, sometimes it is best to abandon it. [he shuffles around in his cell] TERRENCE. [crowding into a row and reaching under an audience member's seat] Ready lights 19. Gotcha!! [he pulls out a bomb, which is counting down. He runs for the nearest exit] [action on the stage stops as WALTER becomes aware of a disturbance in the house] AIKEN. Officer! Grab him! TERRENCE. [CC, not visible] SHIT! IT'S ABOUT TO GO-- [the POLICE officer balks, but GEORGE doesn't--he tackles MARCUS. At the same time, an explosion fills the theater, smoke pours in from the hallway where Terrence exited] TERRENCE. [re-entering from exit] Go lights 19. Go curtain. [he collapses, lights drop] Scene 2. The next day. We find TERRENCE, JUNE, AIKEN, GEORGE, and TIM on stage. AIKEN. [reading from a newspaper] "And although the evening hardly fit the playwright's vision, amidst extraordinary circumstances, the cast of Conversations With Myself came through with a glistening gem of a show, which will undoubtedly run safely and successfully for a long time to come." [he shakes GEORGE's hand] George, thank you. GEORGE. It's the least I could do. I've never been so scared by a show in my life. [to TIM] And it was a good show. [he offers his hand to TIM] Your best, in fact. Keep it up. [he exits, BILL enters] TERRENCE. [to AIKEN] Do you have any idea why Marcus did it? AIKEN. Oh, yes. He was a money hungry bastard. Really. My guess is he was tired of the Rep having the theater for free during the summer season, and he figured that more money for summer shows would have meant more money in his pocket. He's said many times that he thought the board was a bunch of artsy fartsy types, misguided for not getting paying productions for the summer. It looks like he was trying to frame me for the bombing. I'm glad he didn't succeed. TERRENCE. Who ends up in charge of the board? AIKEN. They're looking for a new Artistic Director. JUNE. And rumor has it that it's going to be you, Aiken. AIKEN. Just what I need. Another stressor. TIM. You know, I've been thinking. AIKEN. Oh, no. TIM. Everything that happened here last night was suspenseful, exciting, dramatic... I can't help thinking that... well... it would all make a good play! BILL. Nah. [all eyes on him] Well, it'd bomb every night. [cast looks at audience, lights out, curtain falls]