HEALTH INSURANCE by Tom Guyette Man [MAN] - Person who is looking into buying health insurance Insurance Salesman [SALESMAN] - Trying to sell health insurance to Man WORKER1 WORKER2 WORKER3 WORKER4 - Co-workers of MAN [MAN and SALESMAN are found on MAN's couch. SALESMAN has his briefcase open on the coffee table, and has papers strewn about. MAN has pamphlets in front of him] MAN: So you think it's that important to have health insurance? I mean, I'm young, I don't have any diseases, my family doesn't have a history of any sort of medical problems. SALESMAN: Oh, but still. If anything should happen to you accidentally--even if it isn't a disease, you could end up in the hospital for a very long time. And I don't need to tell you how expensive hospital bills can be: up to a thousand dollars a day. Even a few weeks in the hospital can eat up an entire year's salary--not to mention, you'd be out of work while you were incapacitated. MAN: But it seems as though the insurance will eat up a good chunk of my money anyway. Even if I don't get injured, I'll be spending thousands of dollars a year. It seems like either way, I lose out. SALESMAN: But at least you are guaranteed to get the care you need if some random event--a car crash, an elevator accident, a flesh-eating-bacteria-laced-paper cut--anything--should befall you. Security alone is worth the money. MAN: I'm not sure. I mean, if I went without health insurance for one year, I would save almost five thousand dollars. Five years, twenty five thousand dollars. As long as I avoid accidents for that long, I will have saved a ton of money! SALESMAN [becoming impatient]: Well, sir, if you want to take that kind of a risk, treading on eggshells for five years trying to avoid mishaps, that's your perogative. [he gets up and starts to pack up] But should you feel the need to purchase a little bit of solid, comfortable security, here is my card. >SALESMAN<, of Limited Mutual Liberty Unlimited. There's the number. [he starts to leave] Good day, sir. MAN: Good bye. [thought-over as MAN thinks. "Five thousand dollars a year..."] [The next day--MAN is dressed in bright red, with gloves and a hard hat on, walking in to work] WORKER1: Hi, >MAN<. What are you wearing all that for? MAN: Hi, >WORKER1<. I decided that I was going to skip buying health insurance and just try to avoid getting into any accidents. WORKER1: So you're dressed in red? MAN: Well, statistically, fewer red cars are hit each year than any other color. I couldn't find any literature on people being hit, but I figured I'd try it anyway. WORKER1: And the gloves? MAN: To avoid infection. Over half of the germs that cause disease are contracted through the hands. A good majority come through the mouth, too. WORKER1: So why aren't you wearing a mask? MAN: A MASK? Because that warm, wet, dark environment would be exactly what molds and fungi need to grow! I don't want to get any fungal infections around my mouth! WORKER1: I see. And the hardhat is to keep you from getting a concussion in case anything falls on you? MAN: Well, sort of. It's more for when I'm driving in the car, to avoid head injury, but I decided that keeping it on wasn't such a bad idea. WORKER1: Uh huh. I have to go make copies or something. Good bye. MAN: OK. [he walks further, getting funny looks from everyone] Hello. Hi, Joe. Joan. Jerry. Mary. Martin. [He walks by the photocopy machine, and jumps back as he discovers WORKER2 is making copies] Augh! WORKER2: What's wrong, >MANMAN<, it's >WORKER4<. Just wondering if you wanna come to lunch with us today. We're leaving in about five minutes, you can meet us at the front entrance. MAN: [thinking] Where are you going? WORKER4: McDonald's. MAN: Yaugh! WORKER4: What? MAN: Nothing, I'll get a salad. [hangs up, gets his coat, leaves] [Five minutes later, WORKER1 through WORKER4 are all assembled in front of the building, MAN approaches] WORKER1: We're just getting ready to leave, >MAN<. Want to ride with me? MAN: No! You drive an 89 Topaz! WORKER1: So? MAN: Does anyone drive a Volvo? WORKER3: I drive a BMW. [WORKER1 gives WORKER3 a dirty look] Well, I do. MAN: Can I come with you? WORKER3: Sure. MAN: Can I drive? WORKER3: Why? MAN: Drivers are less likely to be injured in an accident. WORKER3: Uh. Sorry, I would rather drive. MAN: I'll walk, then, that's the next safest thing. WORKER2: Are you sure you don't want to fly? They say that's statistically the safest form of travel. [everyone chuckles except MAN] MAN: I would, but I couldn't get a ticket fast enough and there's no airport close to that McDonald's. [WORKERS give him odd looks and leave. Man looks at the street he has to cross, time slows again as he watches the busy traffic and has a panic attack] MAN: I'm eating in. [he turns around and walks back into the office building] [Later in the day, MAN is leaving work, walking with WORKER4] WORKER4: >MAN<, I've got to ask this. [uncomfortable pause] Are you OK? MAN: [religiously, as if victorious for having survived the day] Yes! WORKER4: I mean you've been acting weird. MAN: I have? WORKER4: Well, yeah. MAN: Like what? WORKER4: [as he speaks, MAN gradually gets a very uncomfortable look on his face] I mean, you're wearing those thick red clothes, the hard hat, the gloves, you didn't want a ride to McDonald's, you ended up not showing up, you jumped every time someone came near you with a piece of paper, you-- hey, are you all right? You look awful. MAN: [clutching his stomach] I ... something ... painful. WORKER4: Man, like your stomach? [MAN nods] Geeze, >MAN<, you're not the first person working here to feel that way. The boss had the same problem. He went to the doctor, and they said it was a stress-induced ulcer--that he worried too much. [close up on MAN, who looks hopelessly defeated] [Later. MAN is coming in the door at home, walks over to the phone, picks up the business card, and dials.] MAN: Hello, >SALESMAN<, Limited Mutual Liberty Unlimited?